Why go to Lithuania?

Tony's Girlfriend Leana, Tony (looking angelic with the sun behind him) and Dan in the kitchen after making eggs benedict with salmon. The picture is a bit out of focus. The Frank Zappa statue in Vilnius, Lithuania. The Sculptor had previously been commissioned to do Lenin and other Soviet heads, and best anyone knows, the anti-authority message of Zappa was well received in Anti-Soviet Lithuania.

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I chose to go to Lithuania after my time in Poland. I've known Tony Pappa and Dan Noll since the days of high school debate, though I haven't been in touch with them. Tony has lived in Vilnius, Lithuania for the past 7 years, Dan and his wife in Prague for the past 5. The last few times I've seen Tony in Scranton, he recommended that I check out Lithuania. He said the girls were beautiful and friendly, and that's all the encouragement I needed.

Tony and Dan are good friends who have a sarcastic banter between them, so Dan's comment about Tony having nothing in the fridge was met with Tony buying a bunch of food and making omelets and fresh juice in the morning. We rented a car one day and drove North to the town of Klaipeda, on the Baltic coast, for a sea festival that was going on. After checking out a Mardi Gras-worthy jazz band of teenage boys, we ended up at an outdoor seating area for some local vodka. The minute we walked in, two women at the next table grabbed me and pulled me aside as they were singing in Russian or Lithuanian, probably expecting me to sing along with them. I broke free of their grasp and joined Tony and Dan as one of the women (there were 3) engaged in discussion with us, coming to our table, despite the fact that 2 of them were with their husbands. Tony can understand Russian and speak Lithuanian, and he maintained contact as I spoke with one of the women and her husband who was the lone English speaker. The other husband in the group was quietly and creepily drifting in the background and watching us. Dan and I kept receiving sexy stares and smiles from one of the women whose husband was not there. She was obviously drunk as she had to excuse herself to vomit in the alley a few times, so the stares became less sexy as more vomit appeared on her shirt. When one of the husbands noticed brief eye contact between Dan and her, he yelled over "she is married", to which Dan responded "Me too" as he pointed to his ring. Tony was amused with the situation and wanting to be a wise ass, told Dan to say a phrase in Lithuanian to one of the men. The phrase was "How much?" as in "How much for the girls?". We wisely moved on.

We went to dance club that was playing Latin American music, which I enjoy, so I became the dance partner of a girl who was celebrating her birthday with friends. There was also a dance contest with 3 professional duos and one duo from the crowd, which happened to be both men. As the fans cheered, the two men beat out the arrogant, over-dramatic professionals in a real crowd pleaser. After a few hours sleep, we went to the beach and stood in the Baltic that had dropped 12 degrees centigrade in one night during the week, which sounds like a lie, but everybody we ran into talked about it. Tony said that he froze his balls off standing up to his ankles. It was us Americans who gave any indication that the water was cold. The locals all walk out and stand waist and chest deep, acting as calmly as they would if they were in a sauna.

It was good to connect with some friends from Scranton and meet some really cool people. As for the women though, they are not the most beautiful, friendly and happy women I've met. If you are a man, don't go to Lithuania, it is a waste of time. Stay in your home country and date the women there. I will only make several trips back because of my strange appreciation of the statue of Frank Zappa.